Lighting Candles: Loving Thy Neighbor

Sense of community is a pretty powerful force. I do a lot of thinking about how sense of community strengthens public good. Not like this is a novel thought, by any stretch of the imagination...I just think it's interesting to conceptualize what community means and how far into our immediate surroundings it extends. When we talk about loving our neighbor, who does that include?

The day before Thanksgiving, there was a string of attacks in Powderhorn Park in Minneapolis, MN. A woman was sexually assaulted in front of her children (ages 10 & 12). Once the attackers left that woman and her children, they proceeded to another area and began to assault 2 other girls. The police eventually caught the perpetrators...they were boys...ages 14, 15 and 16.

And as awful as the situation was (or is), the sense of pride in place and love of community has a chance to shine through. The woman (who is still choosing to remain anonymous) wrote a letter to her community to share how she felt about the attack, the attackers, and her view of the world in light of this event.

It is beyond inspirational. It is powerful. It is pure benevolence.

I hope you'll take the time to read her response in its entirety. May we all find such generosity in our hearts...



Click here to see the Strib story on the woman's response.

Giving Thanks

I am thankful for Ma Ronning's delicious cooking!

Hands down, Thanksgiving is the very best holiday. Don't even try to fight me on this one.

Evidence (as if you needed any):

We watch parades, dog shows, and plenty of football. We eat a meal that--while it may purport to be about turkey--is intensly focused on carb-loaded side dishes and vegetables glazed in butter and sugar. Naps and sweatpants are encouraged (at least in our house). No one needs to worry about bringing presents. And the leftovers from the aforementioned feast? They taste even better the day after.

I'm not sure what else you could really want on a Thursday.

May there always be enough...

Although the exact historical origin of Thanksgiving may be open for debate, and the precise meaning of the holiday has shifted over the centuries, the importance of celebrating the bounty and richness of our lives persists. We are grateful for our family and friends...and their health and safety. We are thankful for jobs in these tough economic times and homes that shelter our loved ones. We convey our indebtedness to those who serve and protect us in various capacities. We express appreciation for seemingly superfluous trinkets that add enjoyment and even meaning to our lives.

It's hard not to love a day that is centered on reflection and articulation of gratitude! It feels good to give thanks, right?

The idea of reaching beyond passive reflection and actively engaging in practices of gratitude and appreciation is perhaps one of the best ways we warm the world for one another.

 At some time in my not too distant past, I decided that I wanted to do a better job of saying thank you to the people I encounter every day as I go through life. I started seeking out managers at retails stores and restaurants to make sure they knew about the good service I'd received from their staff. I started sending more emails to businesses and elected officials and other more peripheral folks in my life. I tried to slow down and make eye contact and chat a little more with the folks with whom I crossed paths. As my new circle of colleagues at work has grown, I've tried to express more gratitude to the folks who've made my work easier or better or even just plain, old possible. And all that stuff my Sweet Jay does every, single, gosh darn day? I'm trying to remember not to take it for granted.

I want to be a better coworker. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better person.

Write it down...send it out!

You know, it feels good to say thank you (even though it sounds selfish to say that). It feels good to put positive energy out into the world, and pay it forward, as they say. And of course I know I'm not the only one who feels this way or does these things. I'm really not trying to toot my own horn here, because I know other people are exponentially better at this than I am...and I am hardly as consistent at this endeavor as I should be. Just the same, I've been totally inspired by folks getting off the city buses each day...all the thank yous and well-wishes for the drivers. I'm always humbled by folks who are on the ball about thank you notes and other "hard-copy" forms of recognition. I love to be in meetings or work groups when praise and credit are being extended with reckless abandon. I think we make the world a better place when we are generous with our gratitude for one another. I think it endears us to one another and makes us less cynical...less afraid.

Research says that saying thank you and actively expressing gratitude makes our closest relationships stronger:

"The little things may make a big difference within the daily lives of individuals in romantic relationships. Gratitude may help to turn “ordinary” moments into opportunities for relationship growth, even in the context of already close, communal relations," (Algoe, et. al., 2010, p. 232*).

I know these findings are only based on (straight...though I seriously doubt that has anything to do with it) romantic couples, but it's hard for me to believe that active instances of gratitude wouldn't enrich all of our relationships. Even just a little. Even if we aren't around to benefit from the warmth we've extended...maybe the next person who happens along will reap the positive energy. And who knows where it will go from there?

I think there are many times in life where we ask ourselves what we can do to make a difference. How can we combat apathy (that of others, as well as our own)? How do we rise above days that can certainly seem monotonous, no matter how much we love our lives? Most of us will not have monumental life experiences that change the face of humanity, right? Still, what can we do to actually matter and contribute?

I think saying thank you is a good start.

A couple months ago, I read this story and was so moved by the actions of the professor that I just couldn't sit by and not express my appreciation for his courage and leadership. And for some reason, I felt like I wanted it to be as personal as possible...so I actually hand-wrote him a note. A few weeks later, I (along with many, many, many other folks) received an email that began:

"To everyone who has sent me a letter of support,

First of all, I want to apologize for sending you all the same letter. I have gotten so many messages from so many people including emails, Facebook messages and posts on my wall, phone calls and letters. I would write each of you a personal thank you if I could. I have to resort to a mass email. Over the last few days I have gotten letters from people all over the country and beyond. People have had such nice things to say to me and about me I just can’t believe it. I have gotten letters from people all over the country. This story has been picked up by bloggers as far away as South Africa. Support is just coming from so many people in so many places. Students I haven’t heard from in years, people I would never otherwise have met. I can tell you, the outpouring of support has so totally overwhelmed the hate mail and negativity. You have all just made my world better."

Perhaps the part of the email that had the greatest impact on me was when he said,

"I have read about protests and people who have been unfairly attacked. I have read about people who did things I admired. And maybe I have posted a comment on the webpage or shared the story with friends. You all taught me the importance of finding that person and sending them words of encouragement and support."

So this season, as we reflect on all of the parts of our life for which we are grateful, let us not forget to look outward and actually, actively thank those with whom we come into contact. It matters. It helps. It makes our world a warmer place for everyone...one "thank you" at a time.


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*Algoe, S. B., Gable, S. L., & Maisle, N. C. (2010). It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17(2), 217–233.

Laughing at Yourself

I try, with all my might, to embrace concepts of self-reflection. I strive to listen better, think clearer, and live a calmer life whenever possible. While I wouldn't say that I eagerly look forward to criticism (constructive or otherwise), I know I need it if I want to grow as a human being. I think it's an inescapable and imperative part of life.

And yet, as informative and transformative as considering ourselves in less-than-flattering lights can be, I believe that learning through humor is even more important. I think we make our worlds better places when we use humor to learn reflective life lessons. Every day, I pay heed to an inner monologue reminding me to take my work, but not myself, seriously. I have a clinical inability to be solemn or staid for extended periods of time, and I pride myself on my ability to find humor in almost any situation. Especially if it is at my own expense.

There is a special kind of humility that comes from laughing at yourself, don't you think? I mean it's one thing to accept a truth about yourself with dignified stoicism and platitudinal logic...and it's entirely another to embrace the fact that you've got crazy all over your face.

A picture is worth...

I've found this sort of humorous self-flagellation to be particularly instructive in my marriage.

I mean, really, is there a more authentic way to convey regret and ruefulness than by laughing at yourself? Or by letting your partner join in and laugh at you as well? Is there any better way to say, "Yep, I totally acknowledge how bat-shit crazy I was being right there," than by howling at your own ridiculous behavior? Can anyone doubt the sincerity of the acknowledgment that you may have gone a little bazoogies about something pretty benign when you've both devolved into laughter that involves tears? And maybe even some snot?

Doubtful.

It truly wasn't one of my best moments...

Not that I'd know anything about this, but when you catch yourself--for example--speaking to your better half in a ridiculously stern tone, as if you were reenacting the scene from FRIENDS where Monica asks her party guests to make sure to "put the caps back on [the markers] because they will dry out," ...well, laughter really is the best medicine. For everyone.

This reflective humor need not be exclusively tied to wrong-doing or mistakes. Sometimes it's just pretty flippin' delightful to catch ourselves in the middle of pure absurdity. Because we all like to think we're pretty rational individuals, right? We go around perpetuating the myth that we are people who have got our shit together...thank you very much!

Until it becomes obvious that we do not. At least not always.

Best. Laugh. Ever.

This entire post was inspired by a moment such as this, just this very evening...a moment that culminated with me essentially melting to a heap on the kitchen floor in a fit of endless, breathless, Ernie-inspired laughter. The kind where there are no words, just gasps of air, and the odd sounds of orange puppets.

So I've been harboring a crush--with the sort of desperation and fervency normally reserved for 12-year old girls--on a singer-songwriter named Austin Hartley-Leonard  for quite some time now. I'm crazy about him. Like in that draw-his-initials-on-your-notebook-during-study-hall, beg-your-mom-to-drive-you-to-the-concert sort of way.

My husband, because he is a dove, has embraced this ridiculousness and enjoys teasing me about it to no end. "Hmm, I wonder what playlist we're listening to?!" and "Wow, you haven't listened to AHL since, like, two hours ago!" have become common gibes.

OMG! I HEART HIM! OMG! I KNOW, RIGHT?

So tonight, when we were slow-dancing in the kitchen (as we often do) to AHL's song "Angeline," I must have been staring off into space with a particularly obvious gaze, because Jay quipped, with the aching, sober tone of a middle school girl's BFF, "OMG, are you thinking about how dreamy he is?"

"No," I said, in a teeny, tiny voice.

And then I tried to look him directly in the eye.

But I couldn't. Because I was sooooooo totally busted. It was completely honest and embarrassing...and riotously hilarious, all at the same time. We spent the rest of the song (and probably one or two after that) sprawled on the kitchen floor, trying to catch our breath from all the laughter that was being had...utterly and completely at my expense.

It was awesome. There should be more moments like that in life...for all of us.



Oh, and lest anyone doubt the validity of my Austin Hartley-Leonard crush, you just go ahead and watch this. You'll be all "OMG! He is SOOOOO dreamy (and talented)" by the chorus. I promise.

Lighting Candles: "What Snow Reveals" from Plumb Tuckered

One thing I've heard quite a lot about lately is how being a good blogger involves reading and actively participating in the blogs of others. In fact, one of the people who really inspired me to blog recently wrote a post about this very concept. The idea of a blog being a way to contribute to a community of voices was also a concept that Jay Gabler stressed when I attended his blogging class about a month ago. I think it's an important distinction to make...that we're not just putting our stories and experiences out into the interwebs...but we're participating in the stories and experiences of others as well.

Ms. M makes me LOL!

To that end, I'd like to share a post written by my dear pal Ms. M.

This is her most recent post over at Plumb Tuckered. It is rife with ideas of community and public good. It is all about optimism and enthusiasm. You'll love it. I know you will.

Lighting Candles: Kye Allums, "Transgender Pioneer"

As I know you've noticed, there has been, of late, a lot of attention focused on stopping bullying and increasing support for gay teens. In response to what felt like a sickening barrage of stories about gay teens taking their own lives, we've seen countless social media campaigns focused on demonstrating support. We're wearing purple and putting Twibbons on our profile pictures. We're viewing and forwarding countless videos from  Dan Savage's It Gets Better project. There have been actual vigils and rallies in support of gay youth (and curtailing bullying of all sorts). It is obviously a cause that so many of us feel strongly about supporting.

Yet, as I was wearing purple and posting all over Facebook and crying at the site of Bucky Badger encouraging us to "show our face" and be kinder to one another, I couldn't help but wonder what would happen when the meme receded and life went back to normal. What about when it was actually time for society to collectively act on the benevolence we'd all been e-espousing, would we do it?

Kye Allums - George Washington University

 And then the story of Kye Allums hit the airwaves and interwebs.

Kye is, as best we know, the "first openly transgender person to play Division I college basketball". And he's receiving more support than even he imagined. In an interview with Inside HigherEd, he said "“It was definitively nerve-racking...I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if my teammates [or other people at the university] would get angry or not talk to me anymore. … But every person surprised me. … They were fine with it.” Kye and his teammates say they know there may be challenges along the way, but they are committed to supporting one another and staying focused and cohesive. In addition, steps are being taken in regard to policy and practice in order to best support transgender athletes.

I am humbled by Kye's strength, and by the fact that instead of saying "oh I'll just wait it out...it's only 2 more years," he said "I want people, not just athletes, to be comfortable with who they are and not feel like they have to hide who they are." To have such a strong sense of yourself and to be able to proudly live as exactly who you are? Inspirational.

I am so proud of the support given by Mike Bozeman, the Women's Basketball coach, and the rest of the George Washington administration. I am even proud of the local Minnesota news stations who chose to cover the story (KARE11 and WCCO), as Kye originally hails from Hugo, MN. It's easy to celebrate native sons like Joe Mauer, but I was glad to see that two of our major media outlets chose to honor this Minnesota "first."

As well they should.

How's that for feeling good about the world on a Monday morning? :)

Made My Day: My [GASP!] Insurance Company

 I just paid my student loan for October...

...twice.

I thought I was doing a good thing and adding $20 on top of my usual monthly payment. But actually, I was paying the entire thing again...plus an additional twenty bucks.

GAH.

Of course, I didn't realize any of this until both payments had already been processed by my bank. And I'd also put a whole fistful of other bills in the mail. And payday was still too many days away.

Have I said "GAH" already?

I try really hard to leave some extra room in the old checkbook. You know...a little breathing room juuuuuust in case. But it's not quite enough room for an entire student loan payment...at least this month it wasn't.

So there I sat, pouring over my checkbook register (yes, I still balance a hard-copy of my checkbook), dreading the inescapable doom that was about to come crashing down on me in the form of late fees from the bank. Suddenly I noticed that my monthly insurance payment had not yet gone through, and I wondered if perhaps I could ask them to delay it for a couple days. Because that would TOTALLY solve all my problems. So I crossed my fingers and called Liberty Mutual.

And you know what the nice woman on the other end of the phone said?

"No problem!"

"No problem?"

"No problem. And no fees. And no big deal to change it back to normal next month...just call in with this month's payment whenever you're ready."

I couldn't help myself when I stammered, "Wow...you guys really are as nice as the people in the commercials!"

Moral of the story? Even the big, bad insurance companies deserve a shout-out every now and again. Especially when they help you avert disaster and totally make your day!